OPINION: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson was not a perfect mom (and that's okay)
The culture of over achievement and impersonation produces the stress to be perfect parents. In reality, no parent gets it right all of the time. The latest Supreme Court justice of the United States, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson includes herself in that number and so do I.
By Mona Austin
During the Senate confirmation hearing for the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson admitted to her daughters, Talia (21) and Leila (17), and the world that she has not always "gotten it right" when it comes to motherhood, garnering widespread "amens" from working moms across the Web.
In her opening statement she told them: “Girls, I know it has not been easy as I have tried to navigate the challenges of juggling my career and motherhood. And I fully admit that I did not always get the balance right. "But I hope that you have seen that with hard work, determination, and love, it can be done … I love you so much.”
From the start of the process she let her children know how much she cares about them and they will remain a high priority as she takes on more professional responsibilities.
“You are the light of my life. Please know that whatever title I may hold or whatever job I may have, I will still be your mom. That will never change,” she said.
Moreover, she made clear that her promotion did not mean abandonment.
In that moment. Judge Jackson expressed the epitome of motherhood -- that she would always be connected spiritually to her children in a unique way.
Sara Beth Maney, who is a fellow for the New York Times, shared the photo to Twitter with the caption, "Being the first often means you have to be the best–and the bravest." If the photo could speak it would say that Jackson's family has her back and are proud of her accomplishments despite any maternal insecurities she was addressing at the time.
"You don't have to be perfect in your career trajectory and you can still end up doing what you want to do," she said to Sen. Cory Booker days later, explaining what she intended to convey to her girls.
In addressing this inherent struggle many working moms could relate to the "lump-in-the-throat" feeling of inadequacy known as "mommy guilt." It comes in the form of taking a much needed break sometimes or not being around in important moments of the child's life, forgetting things, leaving the baby with the sitter or at the nurdery for the the frist time when maternity leave is over, using family members, sitters or other care givers to stand in at special events, or missing firsts. Judge Jackson didn't choose the gavel over the pacifier, but her personal verdict is still guilty.
From my experience juggling motherhood and a career I can attest to the mental split that working moms feel. A demand for one side to over rule the other occurs frequently and that is where the guilt comes from. It has come down to concentrating on achieving a balance that allowed me to work and raise my children myself. This choice has come with a sacrifice of income. Being a military wife limited my choices for employment but also gave us stability in terms of household income and invaluable time with my girls.
There is an inequity in resources in some parts of the country that extends past the home. Where people live, income levels, social conditions and support systems must be taken into account with regard to the options women have to either work, stay at home or both. There may be inequity in access depending on these factors. Many families simply don't have a level of support or financial freedom to allow a woman to pursue big dreams without neglecting something or someone at home.
I want to explore the rest of the truth that Judge Jackson started to tell -- that motherhood in and of itself is not mistake proof. Working and non-working moms alike suffer from guilt that they are ashamed to admit. There is an unspoken inner fear that if we don't "get it right" our children will fail. Motherhood is a job that you approach day-by-day with the understanding that the requirements are ever-fluctuating but there is no manual that could possibly tell you how to fix all the challenges you will encounter in parenting.
In this sense Jackson is relatable. Her was voice was freeing for so many moms. But, Jackson is an exception, not the rule on multiple levels. She and her family have privileges that afforded her the opportunity to choose and make it work. Most American moms, especially Black moms can't afford to do what they want but do what they must. Being highly educated and more qualified with more real world courtroom experience than other judges before her in a high income bracket helped line Jackson's path to the Supreme Court.
In 2021, about 71.75 million women were employed in the United States (Statista, Feb. 2022). The Bureau of Labor statistic reports that over half of the workforce is made up of women. Many of these women are moms. During the pandemic, the impact of working moms having to return home to manage their families proved to be a challenge in the home and had a tremendous impact on the workplace. Women did not return to the workforce at the same rate as men, understandably to take care of the obligations to family which ranged form meal prep to home schooling. ( Meanwhile, equal pay for equal work has not become law.)
In the aftermath of the pandemic the dynamics of priorities varies from household to household. Some women who once stayed at home found fulfillment in the workplace and wanted to continue to work outside of the home but can not abandon their family responsibilities. Some women never will, being completely satisfied with raising children or taking care of family life. I think we need the contribution of both types of women in a progressive society.
Seeking the best of both worlds, I've "officed" from home to ensure that I was there for my children when they returned from school, trying to give them the sense of security I did not have.
My mother, who was also a working mom while raising five children at the time, once left us with a sitter while she took on a second job and it did not end well for me.
I waited until my adulthood to tell her how I was abused by someone we trusted at the age of 8 or 9. I'm not sure that she understood that I believed the abuse happened because she was not there. Seeing her only for a few hours at night was scary.
This experience made me over-protective. No one, but me, was going to answer the door-bell every afternoon when the bus dropped off my children.
My mother worked all day at a childcare facility and kept an immaculate home. At the time of the abuse, she had picked up a few extra hours at a fast food stop. We did not have a particularly grand lifestyle. Our basic needs were met and very occasionally we got some of what we wanted. An otherwise simple woman, mom enjoyed interior decorating and perhaps needed the extra money to put toward a home improvement project. My baker step father meagerly paid his share of bills. She may have undertaken the part time job (most likely) to make ends meet.
When she was not working outside of the home, my mom was usually cooking or cleaning inside the home. She did not usually commit time to school activities. I remember distinctly the number of times my mother attended school functions and the sense of security I felt when she did. Most times she was attending to my siblings and could not be there.
Today, she runs her own child care business. With pride she often tells me about how she is helping young women who are in school or have a new job by charging them less or offering them special schedules to aid them in reaching their goals. She is giving them the chance to do what she could not.
I did not outwardly complain about the lack of material things I wanted or the attention I needed, but inwardly promised myself that I would do better in these areas when I became a parent. In the wealthy future that I imagined, not being there for my children, should I decide to have them, would not be an option. When I married and had kids I quickly learned that my thoughts as a child were just a fantasy.
For many women who pursue professional endeavors and opt to become parents at the same time, careers often win in the work/life balance game. I chose both, but because of the attention I felt I lacked in my childhood, I placed a higher priority on family. As a result, my career got off to a later start and I have faced a number of challenges both in my social life personally and professionally. My trajectory to becoming a White House Correspondent was anything but a traditional path which some peers have tried to hold against me. Even in being there for my children, motherhood in and of itself has been difficult. We were a military family that lacked the immediate support of family or a community connection, so I had to figure many things out on my own. In the moments that I have not gotten it right, I refrained from sulking, knowing I did my whole-hearted best.
I figured I must have gotten motherhood mostly right when my youngest daughter wrote about me for an assignment about heroes. I was inspired to be even better. My oldest won a book award for a story she wrote in kindergarten about my pregnancy and the coming of her first and only sibling. Both girls expressed their admiration for me in their own way, giving me a sense of pride in motherhood that I can't explain.
But rather than explain it, I've shown my pride and love, by putting them first. This has meant that there was a trade off with other things outside of my home. I could not climb the career ladder at a steady pace or have an active social life.
My motherhood experience has left me feeling inadequate despite the accomplishments of my children who are both over-achievers. Mostly this is because we re-rehearse lessons often and I feel drained with no new solutions to share. I've had the feeling that I have done too much in some instance and not enough in others. This feeling has left me still striving to correct a young adult daughter who thinks I am over-bearing and wants space although we still live under the same roof. Her younger sister is content as long as I comply with furnishing funds for fast food daily and she scan rely on her father and I to be her personal uber drivers. All of these behaviors are a result of me making life easy (read privileged) for them both.
As Black women, in particular, the weight of the world is placed on our shoulders in addition to the responsibilities of career and home life. When you are exceptional to the point that you know your gifts are to be extended beyond the home, you may feel conflicted at times. Anyone watching the Senate hearing could see that Jackson' hearing came with far more pressure than anyone before her. She answered an unprecedented 1500 questions despite her impeccable qualifications. She will has more experience with the law than any other justice on the bench but had to endure both racism and sexism right before our eyes.
She handled it all in a exemplary fashion while her daughters witnessed the process along with the rest of the world, showing them, as only a mom could, how to stand up to bullies.
We are not called to be perfect moms, but we are called to be present, loving and responsible for our children's safe keeping, health and upbringing. It is our job to nurture them and ensure their needs are met, to prepare them for an often mean world. When you become a mom, that is precisely what you sign up for. Being a mother is a full time job with no time off, overtime, severance pay or other benefits that come with professional jobs for a the minimum of 18 years. Motherhood is a choice that no one makes with the intent to neglect their responsibility.
I proudly served in my role as a mother opting to work from home so that I could be more directly involved in my children's lives. I volunteered at their schools, enrolled them in extracurricular activities and made sure I showed up to 99% of the activities in which they participated. I've sacrificed on both ends, but admit I've wondered if I've done enough.
Keeping "family first" may be out of reach in reality for most households. Working is a matter of survival for most average Americans. Married and educated women tend to have more of an option to juggle both. Single parents tend to work because they must. Finding the balance between the work and life may be the goal but it is difficult to attain. You may not measure up to the ideals society places on motherhood or even the expectations of children, who these days compare you to moms on not just television, but to moms in the fairytale land of Tic Toc, who do everything right and can dance on top of it!
My support level has begun to change now that my second daughter is in high school and I have returned to a more regular work schedule. I often feel the pressure to make up for lost time. When I am at home I am usually in front of the computer at off hours, but I stop at a moment's notice if my baby girl needs me. This has been my adjustment.
I'm not sure what part of Judge Jackson's roles was sacrificed since she climbed all the way up the professional ladder.
The beauty of imperfect parenting is that there are no perfect children. In our imperfect humanity, parents and children are both always learning and will eventually reach a peak of maturity in their personal growth as well as within their relationship. In the valley moments, the insecurity of a parent comes from not being able to meet expectations constructed by society, not the child. Most of them just want time and attention (in addition to every new invention they see.)
So it's okay. Iam not Ketanji and she is not me. Like marriage, motherhood is unique to those in the relationship. Every woman, working or not must get through the motherhood journey doing the best she can. Motherhood is hard and you don't always have to get it right. For some people Ketanji status will never be attained. When she spoke directly to her children, she empowered me and other moms to understand it doesn't have to be.
